A new study released Thursday by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) finds what we already knew: No matter what you do during pregnancy, you're almost certainly doing it WRONG.
This particular study, which followed more than 3 million pregnant women in 46 states, found that 47 percent gained too much weight during their pregnancies and 21 percent gained too little. Researchers cautioned that too much weight gain during pregnancy can lead to poor outcomes for both mother and child, including future obesity, and that too little weight gain can lead to a low birth weight, which is linked to a risk of diabetes, heart disease, high blood pressure, and obesity later in life. Basically, unless you're one of the lucky minority (a whopping 32 percent) of pregnant women who manages to perfectly hit your pregnancy weight gain goals, your child is probably destined to a life of health problems and obesity — just like everyone else in America.
Experts say that pregnant women should consume only about 300 to 480 extra calories per day, and only in the second and third trimesters. Those experts are probably mostly men, and have never felt like the creature inside of them will actually DIE without a blueberry muffin, hash browns, and cheese enchiladas (and, yes, all together). They probably also haven't had to live on a diet of milkshakes, nachos, and watermelon during the first trimester because those are the only things you can tolerate, which actually CAN lead to weight gain even when you puke it all back up, due to a magical pregnancy side effect known as FML.
Take heart, though, pregnant women — doing everything wrong during pregnancy prepares you for motherhood where you'll get to experience an entire lifetime of guilt, shame, and inadequacy for doing absolutely everything WRONG. Now go eat a doughnut.
